


No Need for Dreaming

by tyrus-time (itgrowslikeafire)



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: (for now) - Freeform, Anxiety, Awkward Flirting, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Episode Related, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Language, Mutual Pining, The Swings(TM), what happened after the lookback?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-07-02 23:02:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15806334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itgrowslikeafire/pseuds/tyrus-time
Summary: After TJ raps 'the best apology ever' and looks back at Cyrus, Cyrus realizes he likes TJ. And not just as a friend.Cue the mutual pining between two friends who are totally oblivious to each other's feelings.





	1. within you, there's a light

**Author's Note:**

> titles taken from the song "no need for dreaming" by MisterWives (highly recommend!!)
> 
> betas: @prophilactic, @quietmarvel, and @joshua-rush-fanpage on tumblr

Cyrus, stars in his eyes, watched TJ walk away.  _ You think you know someone… Until, you find out that you don’t. _

He and Buffy continued on their own way, heading home. Buffy seemed content to move forward with no further discussion of what had just happened between them and TJ. Cyrus, however, couldn’t stop his mind from spinning. He turned to Buffy and confessed, “I think I might like TJ.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Obviously, seeing as how you’ve been going to so much trouble to get us all to be friends. And you were right: he isn’t as much of a jerk as I originally thought.”

“No no, I  _ like  _ TJ.”

“.... _ Ohhh _ ,” Buffy’s eyes widened with realization. “Oh my god. Ah, Cyrus! Wow! I still think there are definitely better options  —  it  _ is  _ still TJ, after all  —  but wow, this is exciting! A new crush!”

“What! No! This is not exciting! This is terrifying! I don’t want to  _ like  _ someone right now! I  _ just  _ got over Jonah,” Cyrus bemoaned, “I don’t want to deal with that hopeless pining all over again!”

Cyrus could see the wheels turning in Buffy’s mind. “Isn’t this possibly  _ why  _ you got over Jonah, though? I hear that getting over someone is easier when you develop feelings for someone else,” she said.

“What? No. I mean.  _ Maybe _ , partially…” Cyrus mulled over it. “ I truly did get over Jonah by realizing the two of us are better as friends. But…”

“But…?”  


“But, it is possible that… my growing relationship with TJ was an influencing factor in the matter.”

Buffy gave him a smug look.

“What, what’s with that face, Buffy!”

“So, you and TJ… I can see it, to be honest. It’s still weird to me, after everything he put me through, but he does seem to have changed. And the way he looks at you — ” Buffy suddenly stopped in her tracks with a jolt of realization. “Oh my god. It suddenly makes so much sense! That’s why he cares about being nice to me now! It’s because of you!”

“Buffy, I think you’re getting ahead of yourself.”

“No, I’m serious! He wants to be on good terms with me so he can be around you more.  _ He totally likes you, Cyrus.  _ I bet he’s trying to impress you.”

“Do you really think so?” Cyrus’ voice was tinged with hope. Then he frowned, “I would hope that his conscience made him realize he should be nicer.” He looked at Buffy with concern, “Let’s say that hypothetically, for whatever reason, TJ did like me. You don’t think he would be nicer to you just to manipulate me, would he?”

“If you had asked me that a week ago, I probably would have said yes,” Buffy admitted. “I still don’t think too highly of him, but I think very highly of you, Cyrus. You’ve shown him extreme kindness, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your intervention is what softened his heart.”

“Thanks, Buffy,” Cyrus smiled. “That is a nice thought. And I do feel like the friendship I’ve built with him is genuine. But I don’t want to mess it up by  _ liking  _ him!” The anxiety was obvious in Cyrus’ voice.

“Hey, did you mess up your friendship with Jonah?”

“... No…”

“Then why should this be any different?”

“Because,” Cyrus said pointedly, “I idolized Jonah until we became closer, and then I realized he wasn’t exactly  _ boyfriend material _ , if you know what I mean.”

Buffy nodded in understanding, thinking of all the drama that had happened between Jonah and Andi. 

“But with TJ, he started off as this scary, mean guy who turned out to be totally different than I expected, and in a good way! The more I get to know him, the more I love him!”

“ _ Love _ ?”

“Psh, no, not like  _ in  _ love… more like, I love him as a person, you know? I… I appreciate him as just another person that I share this Earth with, but I also, uh, think he’s cute.” Cyrus blushed, “Agh, the more I think of him, the cuter I realize he is. Please, someone stop me.”

“What do you want me to do?” Buffy asked.

“Tell me to calm down and pull myself together.”

“Alright.” Imitating Edna Mode, Buffy playfully smacked Cyrus’ head and said, “Pull yourself together!” She laughed. “But seriously, don’t you think you’re overanalyzing the situation?”

“I analyze situations the appropriate amount, thank you very much.” Cyrus sighed, “I’m not even sure what I want at this point. Don’t tell anybody else about this, okay?”

“I won’t. You probably should tell Andi at some point though — so she’s not left in the dark again.”

Cyrus laughed, “Yeah. You can actually tell her if you want, if it ever happens to come up in conversation when I’m not there. I’m fine with her knowing, but do  _ not  _ let TJ find out.”

“Of course not. I’m not exactly dying to talk with TJ, even if we are on better terms now. But when you do want to talk about this again, I’m here for you.”

Cyrus breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Buffy. For everything.”


	2. love was released

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cyrus has a lot of thoughts and feelings, okay?

It was the little things that Cyrus began to notice. For instance: the way TJ would initiate physical contact with him so frequently, but hardly at all with anyone else.  _ Maybe he’s just more comfortable with me. We’re close now. We can be vulnerable with each other. Maybe  he’s tired of being the tough guy. _ That made sense, right? Cyrus knew himself to be a non-threatening person. He could understand why he’d be the only one that TJ could let his guard down around. Cyrus was honored; he took it as proof of his excellent peer counseling skills. That’s why TJ acted differently around him… yep, that was it… 

After all, why would TJ be  _ attracted  _ to him? TJ, handsome and cocky athlete, crushing on dorky Cyrus Goodman? It seemed highly unlikely.  But the closer they got, they more Cyrus questioned the nature of their relationship. On the one hand, the two boys grew increasingly comfortable with each other. If they really  _ “liked” _ each other, wouldn’t things be more awkward between them?  _ Cyrus  _ certainly felt awkward at certain times. Like when they would hug and an electrical current would shoot through Cyrus’ body. Or when his breath hitched from an unexpected touch of TJ’s hand on his shoulder. Or when he laughed a bit too loud at TJ’s jokes. 

But despite Cyrus being a bit of a gay disaster, their friendship felt even stronger. Cyrus must have done a pretty good job hiding evidence of his crush, because TJ seemed unfazed. Everything seemed… normal? Cyrus hadn’t really had any guy friends before. Well, except Jonah, and that friendship was also initially complicated by a crush. So, how was Cyrus to know what a “normal” male friendship was supposed to be like?  
TJ seemed more touchy than typical guys, yes, but that didn’t mean anything romantic was going on in TJ’s mind. Why couldn’t boys be affectionate with each other? _Screw toxic masculinity!_

And yes, TJ gave him quite a lot of compliments, but that’s what friends are for! The two of them could support and reassure each other wholeheartedly. Buffy and Andi were still his highest priority, but there was also something special about his bond with TJ.  _ I’m not going to mess this up. I don’t want to lose this.  _


	3. woe is me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TJ frequently hangs out at The Spoon with the GHC now. Such is the case on this day; but this particular day brings new revelations.
> 
> Cyrus is a bit of a mess (literally) and Andi finally talks to him about his new crush.

Several months passed from when Cyrus realized he _liked_ TJ, and he was still refusing to outwardly acknowledge it. Buffy hadn’t even brought it up, not even to tease him about; she was a loyal friend and kept her word about respecting Cyrus’ privacy. Cyrus felt a bit guilty about keeping Andi out of the loop _again_ , but he couldn’t bring himself to discuss his crush with anyone. Doing so would make the whole situation that much more real, and Cyrus didn’t know if he could handle any more internal awkwardness about his feelings around TJ. If he actually discussed his crush with his friends, then it became a proper _thing_ instead of a fantasy that Cyrus caught himself daydreaming about. (Occasionally, romantic thoughts of TJ would even manifest in his dreams while he slept. But Cyrus would definitely never tell anybody about _that_. )

See, Cyrus liked his current reality. He and TJ were closer than ever, and the ex-bully was growing on Buffy and Andi, much to Cyrus’ relief. TJ made a habit of visiting them at the Spoon on his way to work; thankfully, Andi was much more welcoming to him, now that Buffy and TJ had made amends. Since Buffy and TJ were now on separate basketball teams, the two captains could maintain a friendly rivalry without actually competing with or against each other. Cyrus was glad that the two of them were on good times so that they could banter and tease each other without actual hostility; since Marty was out of the picture and Jonah was away at frisbee camp, TJ provided a great target for Buffy’s constant competitiveness.

Such was the case during one afternoon at the Spoon. TJ and Buffy were seated across from each other, next to Cyrus and Andi respectively. The two athletes were roasting each other when a fellow customer, an elderly man, passed by them with a smirk and remarked, “Ah, young love…” Buffy and TJ recoiled in disgust at the suggestion that they were a couple.

“Ew, we are _not_ in love,” Buffy called at the random man as he exited the diner.

“Yeah, no offense, but even if I _was_ into girls, I wouldn’t be into you,” TJ said.

With that, the air went still. Buffy, Cyrus, and Andi looked at TJ in varying degrees of surprise.

“Why are you guys staring at me like that…?” TJ asked.

“TJ, did… did you just come out to us?” Cyrus gasped.

Puzzlement swept over TJ’s face and he laughed, “I… I thought you already knew? Uh, yeah, I’m super gay. I thought it was obvious… It’s not a big deal, right?”

 _Big deal? BIG DEAL?_ It was a big deal to Cyrus, who felt his hearting beating a bit faster thinking about all the ‘signs’ he had been noticing over the past few months; he had been hopeful that TJ was gay, but he tended to write it off as wishful thinking due to his crush. _Maybe you do have a chance with him. Ugh, no, just because he’s gay too doesn’t mean he’s interested in you! Calm down!_ Cyrus attempted to maintain his composure. “Cool, that’s cool. Yeah, I’m gay too, actually.”

With a knowing sparkle in her eye, Buffy exclaimed, “This is great!” Before she could continue, Cyrus shot her a look, warning her not to further ‘out’ him. “Uh, great because nobody can make the assumption that you and I are together.”

“Nobody should make that assumption anyway,” TJ said. “Seriously, fuck heteronormativity.”

“Hetero-what?” Andi asked, unfamiliar with the term.

“Heteronormativity? It’s like, assuming that everyone is straight until proven otherwise, because only straight people are _normal,_ ” TJ rolled his eyes. “It’s a stupid, outdated way of thinking that gets pushed on everybody all the time.”

“Oh, for example: everytime I see my grandparents, they ask me if there’s _any nice girls at school I’m seeing,_ ” Cyrus groaned. “To be fair, they did hear about Iris, and I didn’t given an honest explanation about why that ended.”

“Oh, who’s Iris?” TJ asked.

_Was that a hint of jealousy in his voice?_

“She’s basically the girl version of me. She’s one of Amber’s friends that I was set up with…  I tried to enjoy being her boyfriend for a short while, but I couldn’t do it. She’s a lovely person, but I am -- how did you say it? -- uh, _super gay._ ”

“Ah. So you broke up with her? She must’ve been _heartbroken_ ,” TJ teased.

“I’m sure she’s fine,” Cyrus responded, oblivious to TJ’s flirtation. “Anyway, I think we may have been _too_ similar. We got along well, but… I think dating your clone would eventually get boring. You need someone to expose you to new things, y’know?” _You know, like you and me? Crap. That was probably too revealing. Keep it together, Cyrus._ He grabbed his milkshake so he could shut himself up.

“So, Cyrus, is there anyone you currently have your eyes on?” Andi asked.

The shock of her question startled Cyrus, making him knock over his milkshake, which then spilled all over himself and the table. He nearly choked, but from the shake and from embarrassment.

“Oh my god, Cyrus, are you okay?” TJ asked with concern, ready to give Cyrus the heimlich if necessary.

Cyrus nodded through the coughing.

“I’ll go get some paper towels; I’ll be right back,” TJ sprinted off.

“Sorry Cyrus, didn’t mean to surprise you and make you die,” Andi winced.

Cyrus glared at her in response.

“Oh no, Cyrus, your sweatshirt is a mess,” Buffy sighed.

“Ah, great,” Cyrus cleared his throat and took off the milkshake-stained garment. Ugh, he felt so vulnerable in just his undershirt.

TJ came rushing back, hands full of towels, and made quick work of cleaning the mess. “I got it. You alright, Cyrus?”

“Thanks, TJ. Yeah, I’m fine; just a bit messy. Can you let me out of the booth? I need to clean my sweatshirt.”

“Oh, yeah.” TJ stepped aside to allow Cyrus to pass.

Cyrus took deep breaths as he went to the bathroom and cleaned himself up. He did his best to stave off intrusive thoughts about how awkward and pathetic he was. _Yes, you probably looked like a fool, but  at least your mess provided a diversion from Andi’s question. Sigh._ He frustratingly wrung the water out of his jacket.

TJ was waiting for him when he stepped out.

“Thanks again for helping,” Cyrus smiled.

“Of course, Underdog. Hey,” TJ held out his hoodie, “I thought you might wanna wear this, since yours is probably all wet.”

“Oh! Thank you!” Cyrus graciously accepted and wrapped the hoodie around himself.

The two walked back to their booth to see Buffy getting up to leave. “Sorry guys, I gotta go. My mom’s here to drive me home.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that we still get to see you all the time, but I’m still upset that you moved. An hour away is still too far away,” Andi sighed.

“Crap, I gotta go too. I gotta head to work,” TJ said, realizing the time. “Keep my hoodie as long as you need, Cyrus,” he added softly with a smile.

“Thanks! See you soon,” Cyrus waved with a cute smile on his face, unaware of the way Andi was raising her eyebrows.

“Are you two dating yet?” she asked when it was only her and Cyrus left.

“Umm. Excuse me, what?”

“You and TJ. Are you boyfriends?”

Cyrus stared at her, no words about to come out of his mouth. 

“Cyrus, relax. I know you like him.”

“...did Buffy tell you?”

“No. You did, actually”

Cyrus face was pure confusion. “I... I did?? When?!”

“Just now. And, almost every single day for the past few months. It’s written all over your face, Cyrus.”

“It ... it is?”

Andi rolled her eyes. “You get _so_ excited to see him. He always puts a spring in your step! The way you both greet and say goodbye to each other... And your face when you look at him? I’m not blind, Cyrus.”

Cyrus grimaced, “I’ve been trying to keep it hidden! Is it really _that_ obvious? Do you think TJ knows?”

“It’s pretty clear that he’s into you, too. You’re wearing his jacket, for crying out loud.”

“That doesn’t necessarily mean anything.”

“Sure, but combined with the way he openly flirts with you in front of us… And the fact that he thought it was obvious that he’s gay… He’s totally in love with you, Cyrus.”

“Psh… I don’t think we should jump to that conclusion yet. Why wouldn’t he just ask me out?”

“Maybe he wants to make sure you’ll be receptive to it? He’s probably flirted with you even more when you two are alone, but you’re oblivious to it! You need to make it obvious that you want something romantic to happen between you two! Then he should actually confront you about it.”

“You seem so certain about this.”

“Seriously, _do you not see the way he looks at you_? He’s even more obvious than you are! But, apparently you’re both oblivious.”

“I mean, sometimes I do wonder… if it could be true… but I don’t know if I can believe it. I can’t even look directly at him for too long!” Cyrus covered his face in embarrassment. “When he smiles, it lights up the room. I feel like I’ll be blinded. And his _EYES_. They’re so green, Andi! If I stare into them, I’ll fall right in!” Cyrus slumped over, his arms folding onto the table and his face nestled into the crook of his elbow. “How did I become such a pathetic sap…”

“Probably from watching so many romcoms. But I think it’s sweet! Seriously though, you two better figure this out sooner or later. Preferably sooner. It’s getting torturous, watching you two be like this.”

“Torturous for you?”

“Yeah, it’s like you’re already dating, but neither of you acknowledge it. It’s frustrating!”

“Imagine how frustrating it is for me!”

Andi shook her head. “Do I need to conspire with Buffy about this?”

“What.”

“You know, one of us could talk to TJ… Maybe get some confirmation about how he feels...?”

“Oh no. Please don’t. I... I don’t want any chance of things getting awkward with TJ, okay? I really value his friendship. I never really thought I could be so close with anyone besides you and Buffy. You two are top priority,” Cyrus reassured, “but I really want to keep TJ in my life, too.”

Andi sighed. “Okay. But I’m totally going to silently _will_ you two together at every chance I get,” she smiled.

Cyrus secretly hoped that her plan would work.


	4. you shake the insides of what i hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The swings is one place where Tj and Cyrus know they'll always be supoorted by each other. When TJ has a bit of existential crisis going on, Cyrus comes to comfort him.

It wasn’t like Cyrus was infatuated, like he had been with Jonah. That crush had been like a crush on a celebrity: passionate, but distanced. When the distance was closed -- when Cyrus and Jonah actually became close friends -- there was no room left for infatuation, and the crush disappeared. 

With TJ, it was like the more he got to know the other boy, the more he found his heart swelling with affection. There was a bit of an ache, sure, but there was so much joy and appreciation. Cyrus didn’t have to pretend to be someone or something else. The two of them could talk about anything. Well, almost anything; there was, of course, that one little secret… his romantic feelings for TJ… but this didn’t stop the two boys from being genuine with each other.

The swings quickly became their go-to spot for serious conversations. Cyrus was already a frequent visitor, and ever since TJ first approached him there, it felt like the natural place to vent to each other about their “stuff.” Usually Cyrus would be there first; sometimes he’d text TJ to come over, and other times, TJ would simply show up when Cyrus needed him the most. 

This time, however, it was TJ who called for Cyrus.

“Hey, TJ!” Cyrus answered his phone, “What’s up?”

“Hey Cyrus… I’m at the swings right now… Could you come meet me?” TJ asked, voice lacking his usual confidence.

“Yeah, of course, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

 

TJ was swinging rather emphatically when Cyrus arrived. Swinging usually put TJ at ease; the rhythmic motion could be both calming and exhilarating. Today, however, TJ’s face remained hardened. Cyrus could tell he was deep in thought. 

“Hey, what’s going on?” Cyrus asked as he took a seat on the neighboring. swing. 

TJ slowed himself to a halt, face softening a bit when he looked at Cyrus. “Do you ever feel…” He shook his head, trying to find the right words, “just, overwhelmed with existence?’

“Ha, yeah.Yeah, I definitely do...”

TJ motioned for Cyrus to continue. “And? How do you deal?”

“Besides coming to the swings? Well, I mostly feel daunted by what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. There are so many things that seem interesting, but sometimes I feel utterly incapable of accomplishing any of it. So, to make it less intimidating, I write it all down in a journal. I make a list of what I want and what would be the steps to get there.”

TJ nodded. “Makes sense.” He sighed, “See, I have no idea what I want to do. Sometimes it feels like everyone sees me as a star basketball player, and that’s it.... Don’t get me wrong; I love being the star. I love playing basketball and I’m proud to be the captain. But I don’t see myself doing that for the rest of my life, y’know? I don’t even know what it’ll be like playing in high school. Being an athlete is important to me, but isn’t really my dream.” TJ paused, then frowned. “There are so many horrible things going on in the world, and here I am just playing basketball? I feel… guilty.” 

Cyrus shouldn’t have been surprised by this response. He already knew there was much more depth to TJ Kippen than most people could imagine… and yet, Cyrus still couldn’t help but marvel at how much TJ had grown since they first met.

TJ continued, “And then I kind of feel guilty about feeling guilty? I don’t know. I want to do something that really matters. Something that makes difference in the world, for the better. Or whatever,” TJ began to grumble, “I know that’s cheesy and cliche and...”

“No, I think that’s very noble of you, TJ Kippen.”  _ And I think I really am in love with you _ . 

“Eh... I’m actually pretty selfish. I just can’t bear the pain of knowing that the world seems to be falling apart while I did nothing about it,” TJ shrugged. “So, I mostly block it out. Because how am I supposed to process all the shit going on nowadays? But it’s like… it’s this weight that drops back down on me whenever I stop to really think. Fuck… I don’t know how to handle it.” TJ’s eyes were full of mixed emotions in a way that Cyrus hadn’t quite seen before. 

“Hey,” Cyrus reaches out and placed his hand on TJ’s shoulder in comfort. “You’re not alone. I know exactly what you mean… it’s hard. You’re not alone; it’s normal to be overwhelmed by this stuff.”

“Yeah… thanks, Underdog,” TJ smiled. “God, I just… I really wanna  _ be somebody _ . Somebody who does some  _ good _ in this shitty world.” TJ bit his lip and spoke softly, “You made me realize that, you know”

“...Me?” 

TJ rolled his eyes and returned to his classic playful tone. “Yeah,  _ you _ , Mr. Therapist. You’re so damn nice to everyone. Even jerks like me.”

“Ex-jerk,” Cyrus corrected. “Yeah… I guess you’re right…” Cyrus beamed, “I did help you become not-a-jerk! I am pretty great, aren’t I?”

“Damn right. You’re the best,” TJ grinned. 

Cyrus felt his heart quicken. How could one phrase, one smile, make him feel like he was falling and soaring at the same time?

 


	5. we’re not made for sorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cyrus finds himself anxious and unsure of how to deal with his feelings for TJ.  
> Romantic feelings between Cyrus and TJ continue to build until it reaches a breaking point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The finale! This is what it’s all been building to! I wrote the heart of this chapter MONTHS ago so it’s a relief to finally finish and publish it. I decided to make the fic 5 chapters instead of 6, so this chapter is longer :)

 

Cyrus tried to take Andi’s advice: he attempted to flirt with TJ, but he often found himself freezing up.

Like that day when TJ leaned against his locker and complimented his outfit, Cyrus, easily flustered, had babbled something incoherent and ran off to class. As soon as he reached his desk, he buried his head in his hands with embarrassment.

And then there was that day when Cyrus was supporting TJ at the boys basketball game. It was their first big game since Buffy had started the girls team.

Cyrus came prepared with a poster that read, “We’re not _Kippen_ around!” Andi and Buffy had rolled their eyes, but TJ seemed to be amused by it. When Cyrus chanted and held up the sign throughout the game, he caught TJ glancing over and smiling.

Jefferson ended up winning the game, and afterwards, Cyrus made a point to tell TJ how great he looked out there.

“Oh yeah?” TJ responded in a seemingly flirtatious manner.

Panicking, Cyrus nodded and babbled something like, “Yeah, you really, uh, got those balls in the… the hoop…”

To this TJ chuckled, “You really don’t know much about how the game works, do you?”

Cyrus shook his head “no” in embarrassment, but instead of teasing, TJ patted his shoulder with affection and said, “Well, I really appreciate the support. Thanks for being here, Underdog, even though Buffy’s not on the team anymore.”

“Of course!” _Anything for you_ , Cyrus wanted to continue, but the words wouldn’t come out.

Clearly, Cyrus Goodman did not know how to master the art of seduction. He probably wasn’t even good enough to be an _apprentice_. The more he thought about it, the more frustrated and flustered he became. TJ had helped him build confidence by tackling his ‘list of things I can’t do,’ but his self esteem was still far from perfect.

He accepted himself for being gay, he really did, but he felt hopeless when it came to romance… especially after his awkwardness with Iris. Even though they ended things on relatively good terms, Cyrus couldn’t help but beat himself up over how clumsily their relationship had played out.

Iris came to mind again when Cyrus found himself spending a movie night at TJ’s house while his parents were away.

During the first movie, Cyrus and TJ ended up getting closer and closer on the couch. TJ was not exactly one for personal space; Cyrus already knew this. Because this physical closeness had been part of their friendship from the beginning, Cyrus was relatively comfortable with it.

But when it was the two of them alone together in the dark, Cyrus felt his heart beat fast as TJ snuggled against him. He thought back to when he was a similar situation with Iris. He had been so nervous back then, inexperienced and in denial of his sexuality. Cyrus had felt pressure to express affection for Iris when his heart wasn’t in it; he really did like her, but not in the way that boys were ‘supposed’ to when it came to girls.

Now he was in the same physical position, watching a movie with a companion, but Cyrus felt opposite from how he had felt with Iris. Cyrus _liked_ TJ. In a gay way. But he didn’t know if he should, or even _could,_  express this type of affection for his friend.

He didn’t want his friendship with TJ to fade like it had with Iris. And the fact that this was about another boy seemed to make it even more complicated. It was an even bigger unknown. This was definitely a different type of nervousness.

_Hey, we are friends first and foremost, and it’s good for friends to be affectionate like this. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything else going on between us._

To compose himself, Cyrus focused on his own breathing, imagining the tension sliding down and out of his body. 

Cyrus relaxed and reciprocated TJ’s snuggling. When his anxiety was under control, cuddling with TJ felt so natural. Whenever Cyrus managed to get out of his own head, he was so at ease around the other boy.

No matter where they were, being with TJ felt like home.

If Cyrus had a bit more courage and a bit more impulsiveness, he would have directly confronted TJ about what was going on between them. Instead, he settled with putting his hand on top of TJ’s.

TJ kept his eyes fixed on the television and didn’t say anything. But out of the corner of his eye, Cyrus could’ve sworn he saw a faint smile on TJ’s lips.

Neither of them drew away.

Cyrus left TJ’s house that night with warmth in his chest. Their cuddling, platonic or not, had released enough  oxytocin to keep Cyrus calm and content, even though he was still unsure about where his relationship with TJ was headed.

He decided that things would be better if he stopped pressuring himself about it. Cyrus wasn’t the most “go with the flow” kind of guy, but he was going to try. Why did he have to make life so hard by being hard on himself?

This new attempt at being easy-going didn’t last long, however.

A week later, the entire grade took a field trip to a sparkly new science museum a few hours away. Because of the distance, they left school early in the morning.

Buffy had reunited with Marty, so that left Cyrus to sit with Andi on the bus. TJ was across the aisle, sitting with someone from the basketball team.

At one point, Cyrus caught the early morning sun illuminating TJ’s outline, casting a warm glom on his hair and skin, green eyes sparkling… he was beautiful. _So beautiful_.

Cyrus feels the affection like a sucker punch, accompanied by an unignorable thought:

_I want to kiss him._

Cyrus Goodman wanted to kiss TJ Kippen.

Hr was convinced that TJ’s face was the cutest thing ever, particularly with the way his lips always curled into a “W” shape when he smiled.

Cyrus berated himself for staring at those perfectly curved lips, wondering how they’d feel against his own.

Cyrus wanted to kiss him and tell him how beautiful he was, how _handsome_ he was, how strong and talented and _amazing_ he was.

Cyrus felt like the floodgates of his heart had suddenly opened.

Before, his attraction to TJ was a bit like static; loud and distracting at times, but it would eventually fade into the background if Cyrus focused on something else.

But suddenly, Cyrus found himself at a point where his feelings could no longer be pushed away. He _felt_ things for TJ. He felt it so much.

But he was still afraid. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid of losing TJ. Afraid of another awkward attempt at a kiss.

When he had kissed Iris, he thought it was ‘off’ simply because he was gay. But what if Cyrus wasn’t good at kissing anyone? If he were to kiss TJ - and that was still a **big** _if_ \- would it still be awkward? Was Cyrus just too awkward for love?

Attempting to ground himself before he going further down that thought spiral, Cyrus brought his attention back to the feeling of the bus seat below him. Shifting focus away from himself, he turned to Andi. “Hey, what’s going on with your latest craft project? Haven’t you been working on something for your parents’ wedding?”

“Yes! I’m so excited, I’m making these gorgeous centerpieces…”

Cyrus chose the right conversation topic. Andi enthusiastically detailed the wedding plans, which was a great distraction.

That is, until the romance of it made him think about TJ.

When Cyrus glanced back at the other boy, he felt that sharp pang in his chest.

He decided to stop looking at TJ all together.

Finally they arrived at the museum and were broken into assigned groups. Cyrus had been annoyed that Dr. Metcalf wasn’t letting them enjoy the day with friends, but now, he was rather grateful that he didn’t have to spend all day with TJ.

All day, despite his anxiety, Cyrus felt the urge of  _kiss him, kiss him, kiss him,_ pulsing through him like a heartbeat.

As they were preparing to board the bus to go back home, TJ approached him.

 _Crap_.

“Hey Underdog. How was your day?”

“Good, good... How was yours?”

“It was great, actually. My group might’ve half-assed the worksheet, but I really enjoyed the exhibits. The planetarium was dope,” TJ smiled, “but I would’ve enjoyed it even more if I got to do it with you.”

Cyrus smiled, his heart twisting and turning at TJ’s words. Was this flirting? Should Cyrus go for it? He felt like he was going to throw up.

Before Cyrus could respond, the chaperones started roll-call and then ushered everyone to form a line to get on the buses.

“Still sitting with Andi?” TJ asked as everyone shuffled forward.

Cyrus nodded.

“Hey, are you okay, Cyrus? You look a bit sick.”

 _You have no idea._ “Yeah, uh, I’m fine.”

TJ didn’t look convinced.

“I’ve just… got some stuff going on. You shouldn’t worry about it.”

“Okay… Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

 _There is one thing. Tell me, how do you feel about me?_ Cyrus smiled weakily. “Thanks… oh, watch out, we’re boarding now.”

Cyrus took his seat and closed his eyes. He was quiet the whole ride back.

After coming home, his body yelled at him to just lay in bed and go to sleep early. But instead, he found himself going back out to the swings.

Not long after he got there, TJ showed up.

“Hey Cy, are you alright?”

 _Guess I can’t keep avoiding this._ “How’d you know I’d be here?”

“Well, you seemed a bit off today, and I wanted to make sure you’re okay. Y’know, with your ‘stuff’… I figured you might be here.”

Of course TJ would considerately show up for him. What was Cyrus supposed to say?

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” TJ said, walking over to sit on the swing next to Cyrus. “But… I’m here.”

TJ always seemed willing to go out of his way for Cyrus. Even if he didn’t like Cyrus back, he wouldn’t drop him as a friend, right? Cyrus attempted to swallow the lump in his throat. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, go ahead,” TJ responded somewhat warily.

Cyrus paused. “All those months ago, when we first talked… why did you approach me here?”

“Oh. Uh. Okay, here it goes... I was being tutored by Buffy, as you might recall, and it was not going well. I was really down on myself. This was before I knew about the dyscalculia, so I just thought I was stupid… I was embarrassed. I stormed out of the classroom and was just walking aimlessly until I saw you.” A faint blush rose on TJ’s face.

Cyrus waited for TJ to continue.

“I remembered you from the cafeteria, from when I got you that muffin. I… I could tell that you were a good guy. Better than I was. So when I saw you sitting here… I wanted to talk to you again. I wanted to know you. I guess an intuitive part of me knew you’d help me feel better, which you did,” TJ looked into Cyrus’ eyes with fondness.

“Well, I’m glad you found me, and I’m glad I could help. You’ve helped me a lot, too,” Cyrus smiled. Then his eyes fell to the ground. “I have to admit, I still have moments when I’m surprised that we became so close.”

That must’ve come out wrong, because TJ’s voice was laced with anxiety as he responded, “That’s not a bad thing, though, is it? Us being close?”

“No, of course not.” The lump was back in Cyrus’ throat. “I love being your friend.” That wasn’t a lie. Cyrus really loved being close friends with TJ, but it also felt more and more like torture.

TJ bit his lip, a hint of insecurity flashing behind his eyes. “Cyrus… Sorry, I have to ask… Do you like me _just_ as a friend?”

Oh no. Uh. “...Why do you ask?” Cyrus squeaked nervously.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s an awkward question. I just need to know for sure.”

Cyrus eyebrows scrunched together. _What is happening?_

He must’ve paused too long, because TJ sighed and continued, “I really like you Cyrus. Like, a _lot..._ And not just as a friend.”

And with that, Cyrus fell.

He fell off of his swing in shock.

“Cyrus!” TJ rushed over, concerned and apologetic. He put his arms around Cyrus, helping him sit up. “Oh my gosh, are you okay? Cyrus, you’re shaking…”

Cyrus laughed awkwardly, shaking from nerves. _Okay. This is it._

“Yeah, I’m fine…” Cyrus looked into TJ’s eyes. “I’m wondering if I should kiss you, now.”

Now it was TJ’s turn to be shocked. As he processed what Cyrus had just said, a lovestruck smile formed on his face. “ _Yes_.”

Cyrus leaned forward and TJ met him halfway until their lips touched.

Just for a moment.

Cyrus pulled away first and laughed awkwardly again. “So that happened.”

“It really did, didn’t it? This is finally happening,” TJ said in amazement. “Was that… okay?”

“Yeah, that was... nice.”

TJ cringed. “I’m sorry.”

“What? Why?”

 “I’ve been wanting this for _months_ , and I wanted to do better than ‘nice’ for you if it ever happened… I wanted our first kiss to be perfect.” TJ facepalmed himself, “But instead, I made you fall off the swings, possibly causing injury, and then kissed you instead of giving you medical attention.”

“Oh my gosh, no, TJ! Don’t worry!” Cyrus rubbed his shoulder in comfort. “One, I am fine. It wasn’t a big fall. Two, I literally _fell_ for you. Don’t you see this is top-notch, rom-com irony? And three, need I remind you that _I’m_ the one that asked to kiss _you_.”

“Alright, fair points… ”

“Don’t worry. I like you a lot…  I just… I don’t know what I was expecting? Everyone makes it seem like a first kiss should be so dramatic. Like, Fireworks! Dramatic music swells in the background!” Cyrus gesticulated. “But instead, it was just… quiet. In a good way! I was an anxious mess before, so nervous and awkward but... but then, when it actually happened, I felt calm. And I kind of feel stupid for being worried about it for so long, I was scared I would be bad at it, and I--”

Before Cyrus could ramble any further, TJ cut him off with another kiss.

And this time? It was like _lightning_ . A sudden crackle of energy that sends shockwaves through their bodies. _They’re electric._ Cyrus kisses back eagerly, gripping TJ’s shirt and pulling him in.

They break apart, gasping for air, and burst into smiles.

“How was that?” TJ asked, coy.

“That… was _exhilarating_ ,” Cyrus responded, stars in his eyes.

That response made TJ’s face light up with a megawatt grin.

“Wait,” Cyrus said in realization, “ Did you say you’ve been wanting to kiss me for months?”

“Uh, yeah,” TJ chuckled, “Since we first became friends, really… I’ve actually had eyes for you since the first day we met…”

“Wait, really? You mean ever since the cafeteria, with the muffin?”

“Yes. With the muffin,” TJ giggled. “ You were so adorable… I had this, like, instinctual urge to help and protect you. I hadn’t ever felt that way about anyone before. I didn’t know if you’d be attracted to me, let alone be my friend, but I knew I had to get to know you better. That’s actually part of why I approached you, in addition to what I said before...”

“You’ve had a crush on me this _entire_ time.”

TJ nodded with some embarrassment.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner!” Cyrus laughed.

“I wasn’t sure how you would react! And I was afraid that we wouldn’t be friends anymore if I confessed but you didn’t feel the same way! I didn’t want to freak you out. I wanted to keep you in my life. No matter the circumstances.”

All this time, they really had felt the exact same way about each other. “Me too. I was hoping that you liked me back, but I wasn’t totally sure, and I didn’t want to mess it  up.” Cyrus buried his face in TJ’s shoulder. “We really have been oblivious fools, huh.”

TJ wrapped his arms around Cyrus. “Hey, at least we’re fools _together_.”

“ _Finally_. Does this mean I can cuddle you all the time with no qualms?”

“Absolutely. Can I... call you my boyfriend now?”

“Yes, please,” Cyrus smiled and snuggled against his boyfriend’s chest. He chuckled with realization, “Ha, Andi and Buffy are going to be ecstatic.”

“I take it they both approve of us.“

“Yeah, they’ve been saying how we’re so in love with each other. They’ve been annoyed that we haven’t openly admitted it. I was so afraid that they might be wrong, though.”

TJ laughed. “They do have a point. I wasn’t exactly hiding my feelings for you...”

”Yeah, it does seem pretty obvious now. But of course I had to torture myself over it. We are angsty teenagers, after all.”

”Wait, is this why you seemed weird today? Were you sitting here all sad and anxious because of your feelings for me?”

“Oh, yeah… I’d been trying to convince myself that I could handle being friends even if you didn’t like me back. But there was this moment earlier today, during the bus ride, when you looked so gorgeous…. And… I _really_ wanted to kiss you… and at that point, there was no more denying my feelings for you. Seriously, you looked like an angel in the morning light.”

“Oh my god. That’s adorable.” TJ gently  nudged Cyrus away from him so he could look his boyfriend in the eyes. “ _You’re_ adorable. I’m going to kiss you again, if that’s alright.”

Cyrus giggled and nodded, letting TJ close the short distance between their lips.

Their first kiss had been shy.

The second kiss had been exhilarating. 

The third, however, was warm and steady. Soft, strong, and comforting, like coming home and cozying up next to the fireplace.

Cyrus melted into the kiss, resting his hands on TJ’s neck.

Then, it was TJ’s turn to pull away, unable to stifle a goofy smile that stretched from ear to ear. “Ah, I’m just so happy. I’ve dreamt of this for months.”

“Me too,” Cyrus blushed. “Actually, I tried not to let myself even dream about it, because I didn’t believe this could my reality.”

“You better believe it now, babe,” TJ teased, pressing a quick kiss to Cyrus’ forehead. “Now there’s no need for dreaming.”

Cyrus beamed, only to realize the sun was setting. “Speaking of dreams, it is getting dark. I’m sad to say this, but we should probably get going.”

TJ jumped up and outstretched his hand. “Cyrus Goodman, may I have the honor of walking you home?”

Cyrus grinned and grasped his boyfriend’s hand. “I thought you’d never ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s all folks! Hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> I really wanted to write a first kiss scene that was representative of my own experience. It didn’t happen until I was 18, and I was super embarrassed and anxious about it. Then, it happened and it was just like “Oh. Okay. We touched our lips. Huh.” Popular culture tells us that first kisses are big dramatic moments and I felt a bit like something was wrong with me, but then kissing ended up being great haha. So I wanted to portray this type of experience with Cyrus.
> 
> Anyways, thanks again for reading! Your support is why this fic is finished! Comments and kudos make my heart go badum badum badum ❤️
> 
> HMU on tumblr @tyrus-time if you want!


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